Monday, October 3, 2011

You know what I'm talking about if...

If you’ve ever imagined all of the moles on your skin coming together to form one giant mole.

if you've ever felt guilty for blaming the weather and in return let the weather use you as an excuse, like "I can't make it cooler, Jeff's bad." said the weather.

if you've ever told your kitchen utensils goodnight stories as you remove them from the dishwasher and tuck them into their drawer. "And you little spatula, sweet dreams."

if you've ever bought yourself a trophy in honor of your mistakes.

if you've ever challenged your conscience to an arm wrestling match.

if you've ever punished your shadow by avoiding light.

if you've ever smiled at someone who is yelling at you because you were thinking of midgets sleeping on shelves.

if you've ever sold your identity at a pawn a shop.

if you've ever felt an emotional attachment to dust.

if you've ever organized your memories using the dewey decimal system.

if you've ever replaced yourself with a stunt double.

if you've ever been frustrated by the absence of

if you've ever hired a scientist to study the community of really small penguins that lives in your freezer that survive off leftovers.

if you've ever imagined putting all of the things you never said into a paragraph to see if they'd still mean anything.

if you've ever been curious about what happened to all of the Soviet passports once it split up.

if you've ever taken the leash for a walk.

if you've ever sat inside convinced the images through your windows are just backdrops for a movie they were making about your twin brother.

if you've ever bitten your tongue and said "that was for all the times you said the wrong thing."

if you've ever reassured your spare tire that one day it'd get it's chance.

if you've ever lost an imaginary court case because of an imaginary crime.

if you've ever used the red CLASSIFIED stamp on the letter you sent to your grandmother to make her feel important again.

if you've ever confessed your sins inside of a photo booth.

if you've ever held a funeral service for your appetite.

if you've ever been bothered by a house that was turned into an office because houses are for living.

if you've ever replaced the milk jug labels at the grocery store with a sticker that says, "pig milk,"

if you've ever traveled the world in search of the dimmer switch that operates the sun so that you have the final say over sunsets.

well...then you might know what I'm talking about.


  1. I might know what you mean... Keep up the good work, Jeff. I do enjoy your writing. Lots. Keep it up, and please tell Pierre I said hello. And to you, enjoy France... and the rest of Europe. After 6 months of wandering I am back to work putting away cash for the next odyssey... perhaps we will cross paths once more across the Atlantic. I hope to be in motion again by April. Where is Desdemona?

  2. Desdemona is in my heart but also in panama.thanks for the praise it makes me feel nice. I will tell Pierre you said bonjour. I hope to see you when you come. Don't stop!!!